Buying the Ticket

I have the money to go.

That's probably the most empowering thing I've said in the last hour (it's been a very empowering day).

So I have the money to go, but then---will I demolish my savings?

Today I talked to my friend Erin about whether it was better to go ahead and get out the door, or should I stay here in Atlanta and keep my savings inviolable and whatnot. She couldn't really advise me one way or the other, but she did say that Atlanta is my past and not my future.

My savings right now really needs to become something other than the ticket to Berlin. It also needs to become my tax stash, a Roth IRA, and a contribution to the emergency fund. I think it's reasonable to always keep maybe $1K in your checking account, but after that one should move the money to more productive places.

Things I Need to Do Before I Leave Atlanta:
-get a new cellphone with a new number or maybe (?) no cellphone? start using Skype?
-get healthcare?
-pay Grandma back OR explain to her why I can't pay her back right now.
-finish some things for work really well, get off on the right foot before I leave (let's hope there are none of those zero hour surprises...I guess whatever comes my way, I can cope)
-sell my violin
-do something with my car...sell it? give it to Corinne? I'm not sure it would meet her needs and I'm not sure I could sell it for very much. Maybe I could sell it for what I paid though.
-Get a guidebook to the city
-Apply for art things, start making contacts

I'm a bit distressed to think that maybe I'm running AWAY from something rather than running TO something. Am I running away from all of my responsibilities here in Atlanta? Am I running away from a broken relationship that I'm not really processing?

Or am I finally embarking on the real adventure of my life? Am I finally going someplace that will allow me to glimpse--even if briefly--something exciting and valuable and interesting? Traveling is exciting, but am I really doing this for the right reasons? What are the right reasons? Fun? Is that enough?

My friend KK has friends there that she says she can direct me to. I don't know anyone there. Maybe that's why it's so hard to go ahead and buy the ticket (and the ticket isn't THAT expensive...but the purchase feels so final...).

Oprah says, "when in doubt, DON'T." Everything feels a little doubtful right now though. Erin told me that I'm already in touch with my intuition, but I probably don't like what it has to say and that's why I don't listen to it.

What is my intuition telling me now? To start moving? Or is all this talk just something to do that makes me feel better and less hopeless after a pretty upsetting break up?

I don't feel hopeless. And I"ve wanted to do this for 3 years. Before that, there were other places I wanted to go. I've never gone the places that I want to go. I suppose I should do it now, because I MIGHT DIE SOON or who knows what may happen that could prevent my dream from becoming real.

Yesterday, I went shopping and I almost bought a really cute dress. But it wasn't exactly right, so I waited, and some other girl bought it right from under me (it was the only one in its size). I think my mantra here is "Don't hesitate."

I didn't hesitate when I found all those emails. I know now that he wanted me to find them. Who knows how long he had been keeping up his strange fidelity charade. I don't even care about that now, though, because it was a break through for me to act on my intuition. I think that now I can act on my intuition by buying the ticket.

SOOOO scary. But worth it. This is the yummy stuff that makes life interesting.
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