Schengen Visa, etc.

I've been healing up in the mountains all week and now I'm distressed because I thought my passport was in my car, but it's not. I know I took it when I left Baltimore, though, so it must be somewhere in my stuff at Mom's house.

In other news, I don't think that staying more than 90 days in Berlin is going to be a possibility (or am I jinxing myself there?). Let me say: It would take more effort for staying more than 90 days to be a possibility.

To apply for a visa, I need proof of healthcare (currently I'm not covered, but I'm working on that) and I need a letter from my employer, in addition to loads of other documents. I guess I'm a bit worried because I haven't talked to Le Job about my plans for the summer and I feel SCARED SHITLESS that I'm going to travel, use too much money, not do well on my freelance work, get fired, run out of money, move back to Atlanta and work somewhere unpleasant.

The running out of money thing I suspect is a valid concern. I remember when I went to France it seemed like every other day I had to get 200 euros out just to keep myself equipped with groceries. Granted, back then I was much more of a spendthrift than I am today. But I remember a certain sense of powerlessness in the face of ridiculously expensive food...being so hungry and exhausted, and not being able to afford food because it cost more than I had in my pocket!

I guess what I would like to do is just...visit? Just visit Berlin? What if I like it, and I fall in love with some guy there but I'm not able to stay because of these ridiculous visa restrictions and so I have to move back to Atlanta and I'm broke and heartbroken and desperate and alone?

I have an amazing capacity to develop new, paralyzing fears all the time. :)

I read this book a couple of months ago called "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway." The premise of the book is that you have to live with fear whenever you are doing something ambitious or unfamiliar. You can't let your fears hold you back! The best way to overcome them is to prove to yourself that you can handle any situation that comes along. Whatever happens, whatever the worst case scenario is, you must say, "I can deal with it."

My friend Erin the other day told me about "defensive pessimism" which is basically a similar way of dealing with anxiety: you expect the worst outcome and be prepared for that. Then of course you are pleasantly surprised when the worst doesn't really come to pass.

Buying the Ticket

I have the money to go.

That's probably the most empowering thing I've said in the last hour (it's been a very empowering day).

So I have the money to go, but then---will I demolish my savings?

Today I talked to my friend Erin about whether it was better to go ahead and get out the door, or should I stay here in Atlanta and keep my savings inviolable and whatnot. She couldn't really advise me one way or the other, but she did say that Atlanta is my past and not my future.

My savings right now really needs to become something other than the ticket to Berlin. It also needs to become my tax stash, a Roth IRA, and a contribution to the emergency fund. I think it's reasonable to always keep maybe $1K in your checking account, but after that one should move the money to more productive places.

Things I Need to Do Before I Leave Atlanta:
-get a new cellphone with a new number or maybe (?) no cellphone? start using Skype?
-get healthcare?
-pay Grandma back OR explain to her why I can't pay her back right now.
-finish some things for work really well, get off on the right foot before I leave (let's hope there are none of those zero hour surprises...I guess whatever comes my way, I can cope)
-sell my violin
-do something with my car...sell it? give it to Corinne? I'm not sure it would meet her needs and I'm not sure I could sell it for very much. Maybe I could sell it for what I paid though.
-Get a guidebook to the city
-Apply for art things, start making contacts

I'm a bit distressed to think that maybe I'm running AWAY from something rather than running TO something. Am I running away from all of my responsibilities here in Atlanta? Am I running away from a broken relationship that I'm not really processing?

Or am I finally embarking on the real adventure of my life? Am I finally going someplace that will allow me to glimpse--even if briefly--something exciting and valuable and interesting? Traveling is exciting, but am I really doing this for the right reasons? What are the right reasons? Fun? Is that enough?

My friend KK has friends there that she says she can direct me to. I don't know anyone there. Maybe that's why it's so hard to go ahead and buy the ticket (and the ticket isn't THAT expensive...but the purchase feels so final...).

Oprah says, "when in doubt, DON'T." Everything feels a little doubtful right now though. Erin told me that I'm already in touch with my intuition, but I probably don't like what it has to say and that's why I don't listen to it.

What is my intuition telling me now? To start moving? Or is all this talk just something to do that makes me feel better and less hopeless after a pretty upsetting break up?

I don't feel hopeless. And I"ve wanted to do this for 3 years. Before that, there were other places I wanted to go. I've never gone the places that I want to go. I suppose I should do it now, because I MIGHT DIE SOON or who knows what may happen that could prevent my dream from becoming real.

Yesterday, I went shopping and I almost bought a really cute dress. But it wasn't exactly right, so I waited, and some other girl bought it right from under me (it was the only one in its size). I think my mantra here is "Don't hesitate."

I didn't hesitate when I found all those emails. I know now that he wanted me to find them. Who knows how long he had been keeping up his strange fidelity charade. I don't even care about that now, though, because it was a break through for me to act on my intuition. I think that now I can act on my intuition by buying the ticket.

SOOOO scary. But worth it. This is the yummy stuff that makes life interesting.
-